What Would You Choose?

First I'll discuss the ones I would not choose:

Yellow Pill: Yes, there are times in which I wish I knew what another person was thinking, but thoughts are private for a reason. I'd rather have the person choose to share their thoughts with me because they want to, not because I forced them to.

Red Pill: This might be cool, but I'm perfectly fine with the normal ways internet can be accessed. 

Blue Pill: Seriously? I enjoy playing sports, but not that much.

Grey Pill: The idea of forcing someone to love you seems so wrong. And that's not really love. 

Orange Pill: I'm curious whether this is 45 minutes each time or total. Either way, not interested. 

Black Pill: That takes the fun out of life. Even if it didn't cause any hassle in your daily life, like the description says, what if you see something horrible in your future? I'd rather not know.

I was debating between the Pink and Green Pill, but ultimately I think I would choose the Pink one. With the Green Pill, you can only fly for an hour altogether. However, with the Pink one, you can change into something that flies and fly for up to two hours if that's what you really wanted. You can shape-shift into ANYTHING! How cool would it be to turn into a fire breathing dragon or maybe become a fish and explore the ocean? There are so many possibilities! 

It's Raining, It's Pouring

This morning, I went for a jog and got caught in a torrential downpour. One minute, it was bright and sunny, and then the next thing I know, I'm singing jogging in the rain. I was already a couple of miles from home, I figured I'd be drenched no matter what, so I decided to just finish my route before heading back. 

It. Was. Awesome! I felt so carefree, splashing my way through the puddles. I have to admit, I wasn't too happy at first, but I ended up really enjoying myself. All my stress seemed to trickle away with the rain, and I ended up running faster than ever. It wasn't my ideal situation, but I certainly made the best of it. Amazingly enough, by the time I got back home, the sun was shining again! 

Jogging helps me clear my head and de-stress. This morning's jog had me thinking how, in life, we encounter many storms. Sometimes, they seem to come out of nowhere, with absolutely no warning at all, shocking you with their intensity. There's no time to prepare. Waiting for the storm to pass isn't always an option. Sometimes we have to run right through it. It's not easy, but it's an essential part of life. We can use that rain to become stronger, let it help us grow. It may seem never ending, but eventually the sun has to come out again. When it does, we'll appreciate it even more than we did before. Until then, we should do what we can to make the best of it.

What Has Eyes But Can't See?

Ew, eww, ewww!

I don't know why these things gross me out so much, but when potatoes have sprouting "eyes", I really really don't want to have anything to do with them. Touching them gives me goosebumps. It may sound strange, but I'd rather be dealing with raw meat or chicken.

Thankfully, it doesn't occur too often, but when it does, I find a way to deal with it. I call up friends, let them know what I'm doing, and they help distract me (distraction is a HUGE help). It's a great system.

I decided to make some potatoes for this Shabbos and I cringed when I found that they had sprouted. Okay, no big deal, I'll call a friend and cut them up as I chat. Unfortunately, my phone needed to be charged, so I realized that wasn't really an option.

Deep breath. I can do this. It's just a potato. Why does it gross me out so much? I had music playing, so I chose to focus on that as I washed, peeled and chopped them all up. I did it! I know it's absurd, but it was a small victory for me (yay!).

Coincidentally, as the potatoes were going in the oven, the brownies needed to come out. I took that as a sign :-) Homemade brownies fresh from the oven are amazing!

Cliff Hanger

I was in the middle of a texting conversation, and then this happened:

Friend: Gtg, ttyl. Oh, I need to talk to you about something, I'll call you later tonight.

Me: Haha, no way! You can't do that :-p

Friend: ?

Me: I'm so curious right now… What do you want to talk about?
Friend: Curiosity killed that cat :-p
Me: Good thing I'm not a cat :-)
Friend: It's weird stuff. You'll see.
Me: That just made it even worse…
Friend: Not weird weird, just stuff. I'll call you tonight :-)

Why do people do this? This isn't quite as bad as someone dropping the dreaded "we need to talk" line. That leaves a sense of foreboding and makes you think of what you might have done wrong, etc. I'm not worried, I'm just immensely curious. Why can't people just say, "I need to talk to you about (name the topic of conversation)." Sigh. Oh well, I guess I'll find out.

Re-energized

I keep thinking about where I was last Shavuos, what seemingly impossible challenges cropped up then. They all seem so small and insignificant now. For the last month or so, I've been so exhausted, physically, mentally and emotionally. But this past Shavuos has been amazing.

The last few weeks have been hectic and busy, but in a really good way. I got to enjoy some quality time with friends and family over the holiday. It was exhausting, but so much fun!

Some Highlights:

• Cooking with my sister. I enjoy cooking in general, but I always have a blast cooking with her. It usually involves lots of laughter and results in delicious food.
• Really cool divrei Torah. I didn't stay up to go to any shiurim, but I heard some really nice thoughts during the meals.
• Really cool people. I met a lot of new people. I don't know if I'll ever see some of them again, but I really enjoyed spending time with them.
• Turtle cheesecake (my favorite :-))! Making cheesecake without an electric mixer is not so easy, but we did it, and it was delicious!

It's funny, because someone mentioned to me how, out of all the holidays, Shavuos always seems to sneak up on them. I laughed and then pointed out how we actually count the days leading up to it, but I understood what they were saying. After Pesach, it seems to come quickly and it flies by once it's here.

In The Blink of an Eye

Pesach has always been my favorite chag. I love everything about it, the various customs, yummy food, family time, and yes, even the cleaning that goes along with it. This year, Pesach came with the usual excitement, but also, for the very first time, trepidation. As we celebrated this year, I couldn’t help but wonder if this would be the last Pesach I would get to spend with my father. 

It’s scary how fast life can change. A few months ago my father was diagnosed with cancer. There is no way to really prepare yourself for that kind of news. It seems so unreal. Like a nightmare come true.

I did a lot of research. After all, 'knowledge is power' and I wanted to know what we were up against. I wanted to be ready to ask the doctors any relevant questions I could think of. I wanted to feel like I still had some kind of control, when I felt like my world was falling apart. 

Knowledge might be power, but ignorance is bliss. I thought I wanted to know. I thought I would be able to handle it, but I couldn't. This particular type of cancer is known to be very aggressive, often called "the silent killer", usually only found in its latest stages, when there is nothing that could really be done. Chemo is usually given in the hopes that it would slow the disease down, allowing the person a few more months to live.

The more I read, the more devastating it all became. It was too much for me. I ended up calling up my friend at two in the morning, sobbing. Amazingly, she picked up and for the first few minutes, I couldn't even speak. I had already told her what was going on, so she knew why I was so upset. Talking with her was immensely helpful. I calmed down, and I didn't think it was possible, but I actually ended up laughing during that conversation. I don't regret looking it up, but my mistake was reading all about it, so late at night, the night before the first Oncologist appointment.

Based on initial scans, the doctors believed it had already spread and the only option seemed to be chemo, possibly in addition to some type of experimental trial. Further testing was still needed, blood tests and other types of scans, to really determine a prognosis, but it was clear what everybody thought. 

No words can accurately describe all the emotions. 

So many tears. Usually, late at night, when there are fewer distractions. I don’t normally cry in public, but I’ve surprised myself in these last few months. I think I actually scared a guy, a complete stranger, who helped me with my car. I was so grateful for his kindness, and before I knew it... I was in tears. And anytime a friend sent me a “thinking of you” text... I think describing myself as “over emotional” might even be putting it too mildly... 

So many sleepless nights, laying in bed, afraid of what the future might hold. What surprised me the most was how angry I’ve felt. My father has been through so much...it’s hard to watch anyone suffer, but it’s even harder when it’s someone close to you.

So. Much. Waiting. It had taken months to come up with a prognosis. In the beginning, the doctors believed the cancer had already spread too far to really be able to do anything, but after the results of the initial blood tests came back, they began to question that. Suddenly, it looked like the cancer hadn’t spread at all! Another scan was scheduled, in order to get a clearer picture of what was going on. 

From the very beginning we never gave up hope. My father is strong and even the doctor admitted how surprisingly healthy he seemed. The results from the scan indicated that the cancer was localized. Surgery was now an option! 

It’s amazing how fast life can change. In one of the darkest moments, things started looking up.

The surgery took place on Pesach and so far, that has been the hardest waiting period of all. The doctors were fairly confident the cancer hadn’t spread, but they couldn’t be absolutely sure until they checked it out during surgery. Waiting for that moment, hoping to hear that things were clear and the surgery could continue, that they could successfully remove the cancer, was torturous. And when that moment finally came, there were even more tears, but this time, tears of relief and joy.

I know there is still a long road ahead. This particular journey is far from over, but I am overcome with gratitude. The surgery could have had a very different outcome and I can't stop thanking Hashem for this miracle. My family and friends are beyond amazing and I am incredibly lucky to have them in my life. Knowing that there are so many people out there, davening and learning for my father, means so much to me. Their love and support has made this bearable. They make me laugh, when, at times, I thought all I could do was cry. 

Things That Make Me Smile-#7

I like to sleep late on Sunday mornings. However, this particular morning, I was up a little after six… Even though I got very little sleep last night, I couldn't help but smile. My twenty month old niece snuggled up next to me and woke me up with a kiss and a hug. It was adorable how excited she was to see me! If anybody else woke me up so early on a Sunday morning, I don't know if I'd be as thrilled…she's lucky she's so cute!

As always, I'd love to hear some things that make y'all smile :-)